POLL: BUSH LOSING TFM SUPPORT

WASHINGTON, May 11 - President Bush appears to be
losing support among a key group of voters who had
hitherto stood firmly with the president even as his
poll numbers among other groups fell dramatically.

A new Gallup poll shows that, for the first time,
Bush's approval rating has fallen below 50% among
total fucking morons, and now stands at 44%. This
represents a dramatic drop compared to a poll taken
just last December, when 62% of total fucking morons
expressed support for the president and his policies.

The current poll, conducted by phone with 1,409 total
fucking morons between May 4 and May 8, reveals that
only 44% of those polled believe the president is
doing a good job, while 27% believe he is doing a poor
job and 29% don't understand the question.

The December poll, conducted by phone with 1,530 total
fucking morons, showed 62% approved of the president,
7% disapproved and 31% didn't understand the question.

Faltering approval ratings for the president among a
group once thought to be a reliable source of loyal
support gives Republicans one more reason to be
nervous about the upcoming mid-term elections.

"If we can't depend on the support of total fucking
morons," says Sen. Rick Santorum (R-PA), "then we've
got a big problem. They're a key factor in our
electoral strategy, and an important part of today's
Republican coalition."

"We've taken the total fucking moron vote for
granted," says Rep. Tom Feeney (R-FL), "and now we're
paying for it. We've let the Democrats control the
debate lately, and they've dragged discourse back into
the realm of complex, nuanced issues. So your average
total fucking moron turns on his TV and sees his
Republican Congressman arguing about Constitutional
law or the complexities of state formation in the
Middle East, and he tunes out. He wants to hear
comforting, pandering, flattering bromides and he
doesn't want to hear a logical argument more complex
than what you'd find on a bumper sticker."

For Feeney, the poll is a dire warning that
Republicans can ignore only at their peril. "This
should send a signal that we have to regain control of
the debate if we want the support of our key
constituencies in the coming election and beyond. We
need to bring public discourse back into the realm of
stupidity and vacuity. We should be talking about
homosexual illegal immigrants burning flags. We should
be talking about the power of pride. We should be
talking about freedom fries. These are the issues that
resonate with total fucking morons."

But some total fucking morons say it's too late. Bill
Snarpel of Enid, Oklahoma is a total fucking moron who
voted for Bush in both 2000 and 2004. But he says he
won't be voting for Bush in 2008. "I don't like it
that he was going to sell our ports to the Arabs. If
the Arabs own the ports then that means they'll let
all the Arabs in and then we'll all be riding camels
and wearing towels on our heads. I don't want my
children singing the Star Spangled Banner in Muslim."

Total fucking moron Kurt Meyer of Turlock, California
also says his once solid support for Bush has
collapsed. "He invaded Iraq and all those soldiers
died, and for what? We destroyed all their WMDs, but
now their new president is making fun of us and saying
he's going to build nuclear bombs and that we can't
stop him. Well, nuclear bombs are even worse than
WMDs, so what did we accomplish?"

Laura McDonald, a total fucking moron from Chandler,
Arizona, says she is disappointed that the president
hasn't been a more forceful advocate of Christian
values. "This country was founded on Christian
values," she says, "but you'd never know it looking
around and seeing all the Mexicans running around. I
thought Bush was going to bring Jesus back into the
government. Instead, Christians are being persecuted
worse than ever before in history, because all these
Mexicans come here and tell Christians that we have to
respect their religious beliefs. So now it's illegal
for children to pray in school. Soon it will be
illegal for them to speak English."

Not all total fucking morons have turned their backs
on the president. Jeb Larkin of Topeka, Kansas says he
still fully supports Bush. "He is doing a great job.
He is a great president. He is a great decider. I have
a puppy. His tail sticks straight up and you can see
his butthole."

And not all Republican lawmakers are concerned about
the poll. Sen. Lamar Alexander (R-TN), for one, does
not find it a cause for anxiety. While he agrees that
his party should not take total fucking morons for
granted, they "really don't have anywhere else to go.
They're never going to be able to understand someone
like Al Gore or John Kerry or anybody intelligent and
articulate who wants to talk about substantive issues.
Just try having a conversation with one of them about
global warming. They'll say, 'Oh, but Rush says
volcanoes consume more ozone than humans do.' I mean,
they're morons! Total fucking morons!"

"They've got nowhere else to go," Alexander reaffirms
with a smile, "and they always vote."